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I'll Be Good
note: if you haven't figured this out already, this series does NOT necessarily go in chronological order. flashbacks are told as revealed and thought about in present time, not as occurred. oa: jaymes young blaze I thought I saw the devil, this morning Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue With the warning to help me see myself clearer :Twilight. :It's the first word that comes to mind as I open my eyelids a crack and see the thin, watery gray light that surrounds me. :I used to call it the in-between. It gave me chills, but I loved it. I'd stand at the very edge of the woods and watch the absolute nothingness of the sky. Empty, hallowed in its hollowness. Most cats love sunrises and sunsets, but the twilight was when I came into being. It was like the very earth itself had grown thin, papery and wispy, that if I ran fast enough, I would fall headlong straight through the fabric of my endlessly opaque life and into the translucent possibility of another dimension entirely, one with hope and light dancing beyond the silver veil. :I get to my paws slowly. The ground is cold and damp underpaw; I look down and see tufts of marsh grass poking out of the deep, squelching earth. Where am I? :A thick heaviness settles over me, cloaking my pelt with invisible weight that drags me back as I take my first step. Something warm and wet trickles down my throat and chest, landing with a faint hiss on the mud. :I look down as a second droplet follows, glimmering red for a split second before staining the earth. :My mind refuses to put two and two together, even as I feel a sharp tension contract in my chest. Slowly, sluggishly, I lurch forward again. :A clear pool of water lies up ahead. Somehow, I make it there, bending over the pristine blue surface. :Plop. Another droplet traces its way down my now-soaked chest fur and slams into the pool, shattering the glassy surface into a million ripples. They distort my reflection, but I can still see myself. Dark gray fur, with a jagged scar blazing its way down the side of my face like a lick of white flame. I can see the reflection of hellfire in my green eyes, and I can see clearly and fully why so many cats I've encountered have feared me, dreaded me, hated me for what I am. :My eyes flick downwards. The pool has stilled once more, and now I can clearly see the rest of my reflection. I can see the deep, cruel trench gouged into my chest. I know what the droplets are. :Blood. :My drug, my condemnation. What a precious commodity to have spilled so callously. Perhaps it is only fitting that I meet my death only after watching every drop in my own veins water the ground under which are buried so many cats whose lives I ended. I never meant to start a fire, I never meant to make you bleed, :"Sky!" Flameheart's voice breaks on his sister's name. He runs towards her. :I want to scream and shout her name, too. I want to race towards where she lies crumpled on the groud and hold her, wipe the tears and blood and dust off of her and hide her away where no darkness can ever find her. But that would be paradoxical. Darkness cannot hide from itself, nor can it shield others. And there has always been darkness in me. :"You did this!" The accusation Flameheart hurls towards me hits harder for its truth. :He's right. This is my fault. :"You betrayed us," he snarls. "MoonClan-" :"MoonClan!" I interrupt vehemently. Wrath flares in my bloodstream with a suddeness that aches like poison. I can't let it consume me, but Flameheart is a vision wreathed in red, and I want to make him bathe in it. "Is that all you care about? What about her?" :"She's hurt because of you. Look at her!" He steps over her towards me. More concentrated on the fight, on defending his own worthless pride, than with looking at her himself, making sure she's all right. :He let her leave. When she ran away from MoonClan, he gave up on her within a moon. He didn't search for her. He barely recognized her when she returned, having shed the 'paw from her name and become simply Sky. :I spring at him. It's what he's waiting for; he's ready. Claws slice bitterly through my skin and leave it hanging in ribbons off my shoulder. I bite back a yowl of pain and spin on my back heels, tearing through the soft skin at the base of his throat, dangerously close to the pulse jumping underneath his chin. :"Blaze!" Her voice tears through the air like a bolt of lightning, and stings just as bad. '' :''I freeze. :Sky struggles to her paws. Her blue eyes are storms. Her voice is thunder. "Get away from my brother." Her claws click as they come unsheathed. :"Sky, I didn't mean-" :"To singlehandedly bring MoonClan to its knees, on the brink of utter destruction? Thanks for the apology. I'll be sure to tell my father, if I even try to give him a reason not to hunt you down and tear you limb from limb." :Speechless, I can only stare at her. I thought I was the devil, but she... What is she? Is her soul just as dark as mine? Or is she an avenging angel? It takes all my strength to stay standing when I want to fall into the dirt and never stop falling, to let the shadows take me back. The light burns like wildfire, and like wildfire, it doesn't stop. :Sky stands beside Flameheart. "Get out." :I turn and run. I'll be a better man today I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should :I am dying. I should be dead, actually. The gap in my chest is enormous. I shudder to think of how much it must have hurt, the initial feel of being torn open, but the memory of it actually happening is foggy and indistinct. :It doesn't even hurt that terribly. Yet I can't stop shaking, all of a sudden. :I sink to the ground, and the droplets hitting the ground and the pool in front of me aren't red anymore. They're tears. :"Please," I whisper, ashamed at the beggar I've become. "Please, I don't want to die. I screwed it all up. I know that. But I just... a second chance..." Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good For all of the times that I never could :A soft breeze brushes my cheeks, drying my tears and leaving traces of salt hardening in my fur. I look up from my pitiful spot on the ground. :If I had more energy, I would scream. The she-cat materializes out of nowhere, her form surrounded by a silvery, whistling wind. Her pelt is the color of fire, her eyes clear hazel. There's something familiar about her features, but I can't quite place it. :"Who are you?" I whisper. From the way her pelt shimmers, I figure she must be from StarClan. :That still doesn't explain why she's here. Sure, I might be dying, but there's no way I'm going to StarClan. I'm not a Clan cat. More than that, I'm a criminal with a heart black as coal. :"My name is Fireflower." Her voice is beautiful, and something wrenches deep inside me, bringing tears to my eyes that even the literal physical hole in my chest couldn't conjure. She sounds just like Sky. :And she looks just like Flameheart, I suddenly realize. Could she be their mother? :"Could you make it a promise?" :"What?" :"Your plea. You want a second chance. Blaze, look what you've done. You've ruined so much." Yet she doesn't sound accusing. There are tears in her eyes. Why? Not for me, certainly. For the way I treated her daughter? "Could you ever be good?" My past has tasted bitter for years now, So I wield an iron fist :"Blaze. Look at me." '' :''I feel Fang's claws at my cheek. Beads of blood well up as he digs in, forcibly twisting my face so that I'm staring directly into his eyes. :"I know who your girl is." :Everything inside me is cold, but deep inside the frozen reserve, something warm and desperate kicks, hard. I swallow back my reaction, but I know Fang sees the fear in my eyes. :"Sky, formerly Skypaw of MoonClan. She's Treestar's daughter and Flameheart's brother, you know that? Related to the leader and the deputy, but she's a runaway and a deserter. They must be so proud." A sinister purr seeps into Fang's voice. "I sure am. One of my own wiled his way into the heart of a very valuable MoonClan cat. You know what they say? Something 'bout never being able to carve love from a father's heart. He'd do anything to keep her safe." :So would I. :No, no that's not true. I can't be that tom. I can't give it all up for a she-cat. There's too much at stake here. :But still. "You can't hurt her." :Fang raises an eyebrow. "Why ever not?" There's a gleam in his eyes that reminds me of the times I've watched him play with his live prey, torturing it before he kills it and eats it. When I told Sky about it once, she looked incredibly somber and whispered, "Mice have souls." :So yeah. I don't know what someone like me is thinking, trying to protect a she-cat who thinks mice have souls. Except sometimes the only thing that helps me fall asleep is the knowledge that my dreams might bring me a glimpse of her blue eyes. And her name is the thin horizon between being close to whole and being utterly broken. :"If you don't want Sky to get hurt, Blaze, then you'd better step it up. I want MoonClan to fall, and I want them to fall soon." :"How does that help Sky?" :"She abandoned her family, didn't she? She's not technically part of that Clan anymore. She might make it out with her life intact, if she chooses not to be nosy and interfering like most she-cats do." :You can't carve love out of your heart.'' I think it, but I don't say it. I try to convince myself that Sky will do what I know she would never--leave Flameheart and Treestar and the rest of MoonClan to die. Not now, now that she's finally gone from being the prodigal daughter to beginning to find a real home with the family she left all those moons ago.'' :But there's no choice. I don't have the option of doing the right thing. '' :"MoonClan will fall, Fang. More than that, their land will be ours. All of it," I promise.'' Grace is just weakness Or so I've been told I've been cold, I've been merciless :"Get a move on!" Someone shoves me from behind, but I don't turn around. I don't dare take my eyes off the approaching MoonClan patrol. I can see death spelled out on their faces. :Flameheart leads his father's warriors down the rocky ridge path towards us. We stand with our backs to the western edge of the forest and face them down. :"How dare they even try," a tom beside me snarls. :"I think it might have something to do with the apprentice Fang ordered killed yesterday," I hiss back. :"Didn't you kill her?" :Tone steely, I say, "She was good as dead. I delivered the death blow to spare her the pain. You know Fang likes to play with his food before he eats it, as much as he preaches about efficiency." :"How gracious. Bet that apprentince shines her star brightly just 'cause you killed her so sweetly." The tom laughs and spits on the ground. "Still can't believe Clan cats think they turn into little dinky white lights when they die. Let's test the theory, shall we?" He unsheathes his claws, the tension in his body speaking of his lust for blood. :"It wasn't grace. It wasn't mercy." :"Oh, I know, Blaze. We all know: you were named for your scar, you freaking beserker. Not for any type of warmth. Heart so cold, I'm surprised it can still beat." :"Exactly." But the blood on my hands scares me to death Maybe I'm waking up today :Dawn reaches tentative fingers through the gray, golden beams snaking through the nothingness of the morning in-between. The promise of a new day beckons, but I am mired in the past and unable to move. :The night was dark, clouds over the moon. I put words to the story I have pieced together. We used the cover well. We stalked and surrounded them, the battallion Treestar had stationed to guard the western border. We moved around them and made our way up the ridge, and staked them out from our vantage point. :When all but the night guard were asleep, we attacked them. Most were killed in their sleep. '' :''I say 'we' because I can't bear to say 'they'. Technically, I didn't attack. Technically, I stumbled upon the site of the massacre an hour ago. I staggered to the edge of the ridge and projectile vomited till I felt like my guts had splattered on the dirt far below me, unable to believe what my comrades had done, unable to face the fact that there were bodies slung across the ridge like fallen tree branches, leaving rust-colored smears on the rocks. :It wasn't me who killed them. But it could've been. Hence 'we'. If Fang had ordered me to pounce on the unsuspecting MoonClan warriors, would I have done it? There's already enough blood on my paws; even if not all my victims have died, does that change a single thing? Where do you draw the line? Is violence more okay than murder, when the two are lovers that seldom come without the other? :I'm scared. Of what I've done, what I could do, what I will do. Of where I've been, of who I am. I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should :"I will. I could," I say fiercely. Fireflower's eyes are a mixture of sadness and pity as she looks at me. "I know I've made mistakes, but I can fix them. I'm sorry. About your daughter." :She looks surprised. "Sky?" :So I was right. "Yes. And Flameheart. I didn't--I didn't understand..." :"Blaze," she whispers. "I want to help you, though perhaps for different reasons than you might think." :Actually, I can't think of a single reason for her to help me. But I'm not about to say that out loud; she clearly has enough doubts already. :"All of us want that second chance. Earth is such a dark planet, you know that? The only speck in the black sky with any life--and therefore the only place with any death." :I blink. "Kind of a grim outlook on things." :Fireflower smiles serenely. "I wish I could speak like the other StarClan cats, and tell you that death in its gleaning makes life all the more precious for its rarity. But I have not fully shed the fervor, the passion, the selfishness that it takes to survive. Perhaps in time I will. Maybe then I'll regret this." She steps closer. Her eyes and pelt may be the same color as Flameheart's, but her thoughtful expression, her delicate features--those are all Sky. :Sky would be exactly the type to do this, to visit some tom with a gaping wound in his chest and carry on a conversation in this twilight place, which I assume for the time being is the thin margin between life and beyond (beyond is a nicer word for death). Yet even despite this, I can't wrap my head around how her mother can be here, doing the same. Surely Fireflower saw everything that unfolded before my... injury, or death--I'm not sure which. :"Regret what?" I'll be good, I'll be good I'll be good, I'll be good :She leans forward. The smell of stars burns my nose, it's so cold and clean and crisp. I feel like if I stepped into StarClan, I would start burning from the inside out. You know, how the light burns when you live in the dark too long. :I can't meet Fireflower's eyes. It's amazing how the best of cats--the bravest, the kindest, the noblest--make you feel so terrible. Like you're mud on the bottom of their paw, or not even that. Like you don't deserve to breathe oxygen, you're so mired in muck and sin. :"Be good. For me. For her. For her." :"I... I'm not..." I don't get it. I'm missing something. :Fireflower touches her nose to mine. "With this life, I give you redemption and a second chance." She pulls away. Her eyes glitter like so many fractured diamonds. "Use it well." For all of the light that I shut out For all of the innocent things that I've doubt :"Blaze. Look at me. Talk to me." :I hear her shift behind me. She takes a step towards me, then stops herself. :"I'm sorry," she whispers. :"For ''what?" My voice breaks like a leaf stretched too thin. "What could you possibly have to be sorry for?"'' :Seeming to take my vocalization as a sign that I'm not as angry as she feared, Sky appears at my shoulder. She leans her head against me, and I jerk away like I've been burned. "For telling you to leave." She takes a deep breath. "I know Flameheart's not always right, you know. He makes a lot of mistakes. So does Treestar. But so have I, and that's why I have to stand by them. They're my family." :When I merely blink at her, she drops her gaze. "Forget it. You wouldn't understand." :"At least sorry is enough." She frowns. "I can forgive you. But there's no use in apologies on my side. I've gone too far." :"I know about what happened. The massacre." :"Then I don't know why you're even here. We have nothing to say to each other." :A wave of irrational, misdirected hatred swells inside me as she continues to simply look at me, blue eyes soft and warm as a greenleaf sky. I seize her paw roughly and press it to my chest. "Unsheathe your claws," I growl in her face. "Attack me for what I did." :"You didn't do it. We don't have to punish the many for the crimes of the few." Her face grows shadowed. "If only Treestar saw that." :"I might as well have done it." I press her paw deeper into my flesh, but she keeps her claws sheathed, so all I feel is the achingly near warmth of her, the beat of her pulse and the inexplicable magnetizing force between us. "Do it. Attack me. What if I attacked you? What would you do then?" :"Slap you," she shrugs, unconcerned. "You really don't get it, do you? That MoonClan and Fang are not on opposite sides of a line that divides 'good' and 'bad'. That I'm not innocent, that I don't deserve protection." :"You need protection from yourself, Sky. Cats like you don't survive wars," I blurt without thinking. Her jaw drops open a little, and I let out a hiss, furious with myself. I jerk my head and put on a nasty look. "Get out. Leave. Right now." For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears For all of the things that I've done all these years :"Absolutely not. Blaze, I already apologized. I didn't mean to drive you away when that whole thing with Flameheart happened." :"I deserved it, Sky. I betrayed you." :She nods. "I'm not denying it. You gave information to Fang. But what makes you so certain that Treestar is better than Fang?" :It makes no sense. Each of us is arguing for the opposite side, and I'm not sure why we're trying so hard to make each other believe that we're wrong. "I thought you heard about the massacre." :"Killing is a crime. But... but it happens." :Incredulous, I say, "Are you-" :"No!" Sky looks like she's blinking back tears. "It's like you said: this is a war, and maybe things aren't black and white but gray." :And suddenly my mind isn't on white or gray but on black, the softness of her pelt on the shape of her frame, the electricity crackling in her irises. I step closer, almost involuntarily, a slave to the one thing more powerful than war and everything else that's always controlled my life. "I'm sorry, Sky." It comes out almost a groan as our muzzles nearly touch. "For everything." :She fakes a pout. "How romantic." And then her muzzle is pressed against mine. "You're forgiven too. I hope someday that'll be enough. I forgive you. I know you're better than you think you are." :And I want to tell her to shut up, because she's lying and I can't let myself believe her, but mostly because I just want to let myself fall into the moment of being this close to her so that I can treasure it forever, because for a second she is the everything that I've always tried so hard to stop her from being to me: she is my sky. Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out For all of the perfect things that I doubt :"Sky!" Flameheart's bark shatters the illusion. '' :''I jerk away from Sky and see the frustration lacing her face. "This was a mistake," I whisper, and the spark in her eyes dies, taking a piece of me with it. :Flameheart's bulk slams into me. "You're under arrest, Blaze. Shut up and come with me." :"Flameheart!" Sky exclaims in shock. :I, however, have never doubted the moral integrity--or lack of it, rather--of her brother. "Yeah? For what?" I sneer in his face. Part of me wants to be better than this. The other is remembering every reason I have for joining up with Fang in the first place, for working for him even when I think he's insane. If it weren't for Sky, I don't know what I'd do to Flameheart right now. :I have no choice. I really don't. I can't believe in 'all things work out in the end'. I can't believe in any kind of perfection, any kind of happy ending. :"War crimes." :"Isn't war a crime, in every sense?" :"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" :"Make me. What makes what I've done so much worse than what you've done?" :"Because you've invaded our territory, like cockroaches or maggots in a rotting carcass." :I stare at him. "You realize you just called your own Clan a rotting carcass, right genius?" :With a roar of rage, Flameheart abandons any pretense of officialness. He knocks me to the ground. My right shoulder takes most of the weight, and the bone explodes in a frenzy of pain. I grit my teeth and sock him in the jaw so hard that his head snaps back. :It's a vicious fight, hampered only by the fact that Sky lunges between us. "Stop it!" she shrieks. But there's nothing hysterical about her stance; she means business. '' :"Get out of the way, Sky." Flameheart shoves her aside and springs on me again. '' :Chaos ensues. As I flail and kick, I feel my claws hit something. Warm blood spatters my paw; at the same time, I hear Sky yelp in pain. :Horror flashes through me. "That's my sister, you little--" Flameheart yells. :I barely hear him; I'm scrambling towards Sky. But she's looking past me. "Look out! Blaze, look--" :Flameheart springs up like a live fire igniting. Our eyes meet. "Your sister," I whisper. :Then I feel the heat. :I look down and see it. The deep, red canyon, fur and torn flesh clinging to the ridges. The first stream of blood hits the ground. A second later, so do I. I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should :"I didn't know you could do this." :"I can't. They'll definitely be furious." Fireflower gives me a regretful smile. "Didn't you always think Sky was brave, but really stupid?" :"Yes," I admit honestly. "Intelligent, but without a shred of common sense. She'd risk anything." :"Did you ever wonder why she's like that?" asks the ginger she-cat, and from the intensity in her stare, I get the feeling that I'm not grasping the gravity behind the question. I shake my head. "You'll know someday." :"Anyway, I meant to say this: I am willing to risk it all to give you a second chance." :"Why?" :"Can't I do it because it's the right thing to do?" :I frown. "Putting a cat like me back in the world is right?" :"You never know. The world might need you more than you think. I guess you're the one that decides whether I'm a sinner or a saint, huh?" Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good For all of the times I never could :The gash in my chest has closed. I reach for Fireflower, who has already started disappearing, her fiery fur fading till its a faint sunset-hued wind. "Wait! Come back! How can I ever repay you?" :"You know the answer to that. Save my daughter. Save your own soul." :And the sky is no longer gray--it's black, and then a soft shade of lilac-blue as I open my eyes and realize I'm no longer in-between. As I wake up, into the morning of my second life. :Alive. For all of the times I never could Category:Rainy's Songfics Category:Blaze & Sky